Improving Your Child's Resilience

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children.

One of these is roots, the other, wings.

(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)

 As parents, we want to do the very best for our children. I hasten to add though, that we don’t necessarily want to give them everything that they want. How are we going to develop their character, if we do? It’s a fine line between giving our children the best opportunities and knowing when to say, “no” to them.  It may seem a little harsh, but in order to develop character, instil self-discipline and build resilience in our children, it is exactly what we should do from time to time. It’s good to say no to our children and it is even better to develop skills that allow our children to personally resist the natural urge to give into and satisfy all of their wants and desires.

Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, Walter Mischel’s 1960 experiment with 4 year old kindergarten children being asked to delay eating a marshmallow while the researcher left the room, in order to have two marshmallows later when the researcher came back into the room, found that only thirty per cent of the young children could resist eating the marshmallow. Most of the children could resist for some minutes when the researcher left the room but most ate the marshmallow within five minutes and only thirty per cent could wait fifteen minutes until the researcher returned to the room. More recent follow up with these people, found that they were more academically and socially competent in their teenage years and were more successful in their adult lives, if they were able to suppress their desire to eat the marshmallow for fifteen minutes until the researcher returned to the room.

So what exactly do we mean by building a child’s resilience? How can we do this? People who can deal with adversity and move forward, persevere and adapt when things go wrong, or bounce back from a difficult setback, or experience are said to have more resilient than those who struggle emotionally for a long time after a difficult time or adversity.  Resilience is the ability to:

·         Overcome obstacles in childhood

·         Steer through everyday adversities that befall us

·         Bounce back from setbacks that occur; and

·         Reach out to achieve all that we are capable of achieving in life.

According to researchers Dr Shatte and Karen Reivich (2002), there are seven essential skills for overcoming life’s obstacles. Much of their research builds on the work done by internationally renowned professor of Positive Psychology at Pennsylvania University, Dr Martin Seligman’s work in Learned Optimism. How is optimism related to resilience? Our beliefs about the way things will turn out have a significant influence on the ways in which we respond to stress and adversity. Optimistic people expect that in the end things will turn out well, despite the difficulties they may face in the present. Pessimists on the other hand, tend to view the future as uncertain at best and, at worst, filled with continued difficulties and insurmountable struggles. Optimism affects our well-being, our physical health and overall level of happiness.

Without oversimplifying these seven essential skills of resilience, they can be summarised as follows:

·         Being in charge of our emotions – one simple and effective method to help children (and adults) be in charge of emotions is the old tried and true method of three deep breaths. When we slowly breathe into the count of three and exhale to the count of five and do this a few times, we experience an amazing calming effect.

·         Controlling our impulses - research around resilience indicates that those young people who can control their impulses are more successful in a range of social skills that in turn build resilience in us. Just to be clear, being resilient does not mean that we don’t act on our impulses, but rather, we control our responses.

            One strategy is to teach children how to control their impulses. For example when one sibling             makes a comment that upsets the other, we could encourage them to follow these              simple  steps:

·         Stop,

·         think,

·         breathe,

·         think of three responses before saying anything; and

·         then respond.

 

·         Analysing the cause of problems – this is the ability to analyse problems accurately and decide what the cause of the problem is. “Accurately” is the key word here, because researchers have found that what we think about a stressful events or problems affects how we feel about these events and what we do about them. Teaching children to identify the problem and come up with some solutions to the problem is a great way to build resilience. 

·         Maintaining realistic optimism – this is a belief that things can change for the better, that there is hope for the future and that you can control the direction of your life. The control we feel with accurate and flexible thinking helps to maintain a sense of optimism for the future. Gentle reminders to children can help adjust any faulty thinking when they say things like “this always happens to me” thinking or “I never get to…” – just remind them of when they did not have this happen or when they did do something.

·         Having empathy for others – empathy is understanding what it’s like to walk in another person’s shoes or the ability to understand the feelings and needs of another person. Young children learn when parents recognise their feelings by saying, “You look happy when you play with that.” Or “Your friend looks a little sad today.” Research shows that being understood and understanding others are important to the growth of resilience.

 

·         Believing in your own competence – is the belief that we have what it takes to tackle most of the problems we face in our daily lives. We feel effective in the choices we make and actions, knowing what we do matters, and to keep on trying even when situations are challenging. Giving children choice helps them feel that they have some control in a situation and control over what they do. For example: “Do you want to help me in the garden or help your dad wash the car?”

·         Reaching out – is the ability to take on new opportunities that life presents to us. Seeing mistakes as a learning opportunity, makes it easier for us to take risks and try new things. Giving children the opportunity to succeed, while still being challenged, increases their confidence. Also, reaching out is about asking for help when it’s needed.

References:

Mischel,W., Shoda,Y., Rodriguez, M.L., “Delay of Gratification in Children”, Science, New Series, Vol. 244, No.4907, May 26,1989, 933-938.

Reaching In Reaching Out Resilience Training: http://www.reachinginreachingout.com/documents/Website-RIROskillstrainingdescription-Nov-13.pdf
 
Reivich, K. & Shatté, A., (2002),  The Resilience Factor: 7 essential skills for overcoming life's inevitable obstacles,  New York, NY, US: Broadway Books. 342 pp.
 
Seligman, M.E.P., (2011), Flourish, New York, USA: Atria Paperback.