Teenagers can be tricky at the best of times and for parents it may be one of the toughest challenges of all to stay calm (and sane), through those trying days, weeks and months and even years. Now please don’t get me wrong, the teenage years can be fun too, but of all the time periods for young people, the teenage years can be the most challenging and frustrating for parents.
When it comes to sorting out teenage problems or family conflict, there are no quick fixes, nor are there one stop cure-alls, nor are there strategies or solutions that work for everyone. There is no right way or right approach that’s going to work for every person or for every situation. As one comic quipped:
“Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.”
Yes we recognise that teenagers are growing up and need more independence, more autonomy and more privacy but this should be a measured and balanced approach. The ‘fine line’ is letting your son or daughter have more privacy, you don’t need to know everything, but by the same token you need them to understand that you want them to be safe, and because of this, there are some things that you do need to know.
Parents understand protective behaviours but adolescents don’t necessarily see the risks that parents do. Teenagers can be at risk because of someone else’s doing. Teenagers can be very manipulating when it comes to going out with their friends. Where they say they’re going and where they end up going, can be completely different. Yes you want to build trust but trust works both ways and they have to demonstrate to you that they can be trusted. It pays to contact the other parents to get details and ensure that the other parents are there or supervising your son or daughter. While this does not always pan out, there is some peace of mind in allowing your son or daughter to go to someone’s place if you have spoken to the parents beforehand.
Listen and share time with your teenager as part of your daily and weekly routine. As a busy parent, we often tell ourselves it’s the quality of the time not the quantity of time that counts most. Unfortunately all evidence is to the contrary. What’s most important, in fact, is the quantity of time we spend with our sons and daughters. Listening to your son or daughter sounds easy, most of us think that we do this really well, but often the child’s interpretation of time spent listening to them is quite the reverse. It’s hard sometimes to listen without giving advice or asking too many questions and this is an acquired skill that parents need to master. Listening in silence does not mean that you agree with your son or daughter, but it does mean you are listening. Reflective responses are helpful when listening; lecturing, giving advice (if it’s not requested), or starting with “when I was young” is not.
It’s not a perfect world, (we get that), but equally we need to understand that our teenagers are not perfect. Things will go wrong and do go wrong. Yes, there need to be consequences for inappropriate behaviour and wherever possible make the consequences relevant to the situation. Acknowledge the mistake and as a family, move forward, because constantly reminding your son or daughter of the mistake is not going to help the situation. Apologising for inappropriate behaviour is a very important step for teenagers to take, in allowing everyone to put the incident behind them and move on in life. Take heart from the philosophy that your teenager will learn from the mistakes and while it doesn’t seem like they are learning at the time, over the longer term, they do learn the lessons.
Who’s the boss in your family? According to expert, Elizabeth Harrell, teenagers need boundaries and safe, secure situations in which to grow. Parents are the provider of both, and when you act like a friend, your teen will lose security. Teens who view their parents as authority figures and providers are more likely to be close to them in adulthood. Despite what appearances might suggest, teens do not respect parents who behave like teens. Relating to your teen, based on your own experiences, can be a successful method of working through challenging situations, but at no time should you lose your parent status. (From: “11 Mistakes parents make with teen discipline”).
Setting boundaries is essential. You may feel like the enemy from time to time (and yes, occasionally your son or daughter may call you this), but more than anything, adolescents need to know what they can and can’t do. You are the parents and you determine what the rules and boundaries are in your household. Don’t succumb because of the ‘tried and tested’ (very testing), ‘Linda’s mum or Jamie’s dad lets them do this or go to this place’ - or whatever it might be that they want to do. Stay strong, like the Rock of Gibraltar – don’t let your teenager manipulate you emotionally.
Talk to the other parents of your son or daughter's friends. No-one likes to be the last parent to know about what is going on between your own son or daughter, with another teenager. Please, if you are one of the parents who knows something about another teenager’s risky behaviour, talk to one of the teen’s parents about what you have seen or heard. You may save a family from a very painful situation or a tragedy. At worse your comments may cause the other parent to become miffed, but if it was your son or daughter involved in risky behaviour, wouldn’t you want to know? Of course you would. If this all seems a little too difficult or confronting, let someone else know either in the school or a close friend of the family. Please don’t be the one to spread the gossip to other parents, this may fuel a potential situation and make it even more difficult for a family to resolve the issues with their own teenage son or daughter.
Be around and let it be known that you’re around. Teenagers are notorious for getting themselves into strife and then having a hard time getting out of a bad situation by themselves. Sometimes teenagers will go out with a group of friends and either separate from them to be with ‘someone special’ or alternatively may have an argument and walk off from his or her friends. Either way, the consequences of separating from friends to be by themselves can lead to dangerous or risky behaviour or situations. Always let your teenager know you are available to give them a lift home. You will pick him/her up at anyplace or anytime, even three o’clock in the morning. You will do so without any consequences to your teenager on the understanding that everyone makes mistakes in judgment. You simply want your son or daughter to be safe, no matter what the circumstances.
Be positive and have positive intentions and above all keep a sense of humour. I say this in hindsight as a parent who has seen three of my children grow into adults and now laugh when we talk about some of their misdemeanours during the more difficult teenage years. Can I laugh about all of the difficulties? Definitely not , but some of the ‘darkest hours’ have been defining moments in turning around one of my then teenagers from the ‘dark side’. Remaining positive and looking forward to a positive and bright future was a struggle some days but in the end, that’s what happened. Have faith and trust that the values that you share with your teenager will hold them in good stead for the future.
Sometimes we need to get professional help, because despite our best efforts, we are unable to work through the complicated issues that are causing escalated family conflict. Finding a professional ‘third party’ to mediate and arbitrate through the mine field is sometimes the only way forward.
As a school we support both students and parents through this difficult and trying time. Research shows that when the school and parents work in partnership, the resilience and protective factors of your child are enhanced. Our Life Skills Program and Outdoor Education Program, give young people effective strategies for dealing with a wide range of social and emotional issues as they grow and develop into young adults. Together we can work towards resolving many of the issues facing you as parents or your children. Yes, the teenage years are amongst the most challenging but they are also amongst the most rewarding and satisfying years of your life. Yes they really are; trust me on this point.
Karon Graham
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