Are You Okay?

“You never know when a moment
and a few sincere words
can have an impact on life.”
(Zig Ziglar)

There’s no doubt how busy we are these days, particularly with family, children, work and all the other activities that seem to consume our time day in, day out. It’s not surprising then, that we sometimes overlook small warning signs that signal that someone we know is not well, or is troubled emotionally, or may be suffering from depression.

Most of us fall into the trap of the ‘passing pleasantries” outside our door, in the shopping centre or walking by an acquaintance or colleague. The exchange usually goes something like this:

“How are you?”
“Well thanks and you?”

Unfortunately we don’t always stop to even listen to the response. Before too long, we have moved onto the very next ‘to do’ task on our list and the conversation is forgotten. Sadly, all too many of our conversations, end up being like this, and the opportunity to touch someone else emotionally, in a real and meaningful way, has passed. Too often, though, we can express regret later, “If only, I had stopped and listened.” “If only I had taken more time to make sure that they were okay.”

Yes, everybody can have a bad day – but sometimes it’s more than just a bad day, it’s prolonged and debilitating – it’s what we call depression. R.E.M.’s lyrics speak of these emotions and ‘holding on’ when all seems lost:

“When your day is long and the night
The night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
Don’t let yourself go
Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes…..
Sometimes everything is wrong……"
(Lyrics by R.E.M. and drummer, Bill Berry, 1992)

About six percent of Australians are diagnosed with depressive illness every year and surprisingly close to 20 percent of Australians are affected at some stage by depression. Some people manage to hide their depression from family and friends for years before they seek medical help. Many sufferers are so good at concealing their illness that they are able to smile and appear quite happy when out in public.

It's not always easy to know how to help someone who may be experiencing depression. It can be hard to know what to say or do. Here are some tips from ‘Beyondblue’ – the national initiative to help those suffering from depression and anxiety:

• talk to the person about how they're feeling;

• listen to what they're saying - sometimes, when a person wants to talk, they're not always seeking advice, but just need to talk about their concerns;

• make it clear they have your full attention and you are listening properly - you may like to save any suggestions for a later discussion;

• maintain eye contact and sit in a relaxed position - positive body language will help you both feel more comfortable;

• use open-ended questions such as 'So tell me about...?', which require more than a 'yes' or 'no' answer. (This is often a good way of starting a conversation);

• if your conversation becomes difficult or the person you're talking to gets angry: stay calm; be firm, fair and consistent; admit if you are wrong and don't lose control;

• often, just spending time with the person lets them know you care and can help you understand what they're going through;

• encourage the person to seek professional help from their family doctor or a mental health worker; and

• take good care of yourself too, because supporting someone with depression can be demanding, so make sure you take some 'time out' to look after yourself.

Helping someone else can be a simple as listening to them tell his or her story. Finding time to listen to other people can be a challenge, but it's one of the most important things we can do in life, that is, to reach out to others. There’s no need to give advice. There’s no need to offer our own story, because the conversation twists and becomes more about our own story than the person who needs our understanding.

Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D., author of “Kitchen Table Wisdom”, makes the point that when we interrupt someone, even if what we are saying is to let them know that we understand, we move the focus of attention to ourselves. She suggests that when we listen without speaking, people know we care. Seems contradictory doesn’t it? Yet as a doctor who works with terminally ill patients, Remen has found that a loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well intentioned words.

"How far that little candle throws his beams!
So shines a good deed in a weary world."
(William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice)

So take a little extra time to have those important conversations with people we know, with people in our own family who we love or with a complete stranger who has no one else to confide in or share his or her burden. Just by listening and showing we care, we make a difference to someone else’s life, and sometimes that difference might be life itself.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
(Leo Buscaglia, American author)

Don't ever hesitate to ask, "Are you okay?" Just ask.

Karon Graham