Are You Okay?

“You never know when a moment
and a few sincere words
can have an impact on life.”
(Zig Ziglar)

There’s no doubt how busy we are these days, particularly with family, children, work and all the other activities that seem to consume our time day in, day out. It’s not surprising then, that we sometimes overlook small warning signs that signal that someone we know is not well, or is troubled emotionally, or may be suffering from depression.

Most of us fall into the trap of the ‘passing pleasantries” outside our door, in the shopping centre or walking by an acquaintance or colleague. The exchange usually goes something like this:

“How are you?”
“Well thanks and you?”

Unfortunately we don’t always stop to even listen to the response. Before too long, we have moved onto the very next ‘to do’ task on our list and the conversation is forgotten. Sadly, all too many of our conversations, end up being like this, and the opportunity to touch someone else emotionally, in a real and meaningful way, has passed. Too often, though, we can express regret later, “If only, I had stopped and listened.” “If only I had taken more time to make sure that they were okay.”

Yes, everybody can have a bad day – but sometimes it’s more than just a bad day, it’s prolonged and debilitating – it’s what we call depression. R.E.M.’s lyrics speak of these emotions and ‘holding on’ when all seems lost:

“When your day is long and the night
The night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
Don’t let yourself go
Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes…..
Sometimes everything is wrong……"
(Lyrics by R.E.M. and drummer, Bill Berry, 1992)

About six percent of Australians are diagnosed with depressive illness every year and surprisingly close to 20 percent of Australians are affected at some stage by depression. Some people manage to hide their depression from family and friends for years before they seek medical help. Many sufferers are so good at concealing their illness that they are able to smile and appear quite happy when out in public.

It's not always easy to know how to help someone who may be experiencing depression. It can be hard to know what to say or do. Here are some tips from ‘Beyondblue’ – the national initiative to help those suffering from depression and anxiety:

• talk to the person about how they're feeling;

• listen to what they're saying - sometimes, when a person wants to talk, they're not always seeking advice, but just need to talk about their concerns;

• make it clear they have your full attention and you are listening properly - you may like to save any suggestions for a later discussion;

• maintain eye contact and sit in a relaxed position - positive body language will help you both feel more comfortable;

• use open-ended questions such as 'So tell me about...?', which require more than a 'yes' or 'no' answer. (This is often a good way of starting a conversation);

• if your conversation becomes difficult or the person you're talking to gets angry: stay calm; be firm, fair and consistent; admit if you are wrong and don't lose control;

• often, just spending time with the person lets them know you care and can help you understand what they're going through;

• encourage the person to seek professional help from their family doctor or a mental health worker; and

• take good care of yourself too, because supporting someone with depression can be demanding, so make sure you take some 'time out' to look after yourself.

Helping someone else can be a simple as listening to them tell his or her story. Finding time to listen to other people can be a challenge, but it's one of the most important things we can do in life, that is, to reach out to others. There’s no need to give advice. There’s no need to offer our own story, because the conversation twists and becomes more about our own story than the person who needs our understanding.

Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D., author of “Kitchen Table Wisdom”, makes the point that when we interrupt someone, even if what we are saying is to let them know that we understand, we move the focus of attention to ourselves. She suggests that when we listen without speaking, people know we care. Seems contradictory doesn’t it? Yet as a doctor who works with terminally ill patients, Remen has found that a loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well intentioned words.

"How far that little candle throws his beams!
So shines a good deed in a weary world."
(William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice)

So take a little extra time to have those important conversations with people we know, with people in our own family who we love or with a complete stranger who has no one else to confide in or share his or her burden. Just by listening and showing we care, we make a difference to someone else’s life, and sometimes that difference might be life itself.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
(Leo Buscaglia, American author)

Don't ever hesitate to ask, "Are you okay?" Just ask.

Karon Graham

Getting of Wisdom

“Is it so important to get somewhere in a big hurry, or isn’t it better to take your time, one step at a time and methodically reach the destination in a more efficient way? There is an attraction…….to say, “How fast can I get there?” … Well it took Columbus, a long time to sail across the ocean. It took Magellan half a year to travel around the world, maybe even longer.” (Buzz Aldrin, p22, “Wisdom”)


It was US President John F. Kennedy in 1961 who first announced that America would send men to the moon. In July 1969, three astronauts blasted off into space: Neil Armstrong, (who sadly died recently), Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin, (former second lieutenant and Rhodes scholar) and Michael Collins. The landing of Apollo 11 on the moon had a profound impact on human psyche; the last frontier was at last within our grasp. Humans could now travel further, and at greater speed, than in any other time in the history of humankind.

Maybe it’s because of Aldrin’s travel into outer space that has put his perspective on life, in a much longer time frame and in a bigger picture. His views on the world, our thirst for knowledge and time, are insightful. So why are we in so much of a hurry these days? Why don’t we enjoy the journey as much as the destination?

“Are we there yet?” still echoes in my mind, as we travelled with our children on long road trips. Any attempts to distract them with cows, mountains, books or signs failed miserably. If you have been on a road trip to north Queensland recently, you may have noticed some funny road signs, that a council worker with a great sense of humour , has had erected along a particularly boring stretch of highway that read, “Are we there Yet?”, and twenty kilometres further, “Nearly there Kids.”

It seems that when we are very young, time stretches on for eternity and no more so than when trapped in a car hurtling towards some unknown destination. What is it though that makes us want to be in such a hurry? Is it in our DNA to be so impatient? Why is it that we want to ‘be there’ now, rather than in two weeks time or an hour? What’s our big hurry?

When we’re young, we’re in a hurry to grow up, to learn to drive, to get a car, to leave home and become more independent. (Though latest observations show that young people are living at home well into their thirties now, but that’s another story.) Time is relative, isn’t it? Well ‘yes’ according to Einstein, yet it doesn’t take a genius, to figure out that a month as a proportion of your life as a five year old is way larger than that of a thirty year old.

As we grow older, we realise that time is not infinite. Indeed, time seems to speed up. We realise too, that we still have so much to learn about people, places and life. Even though each of us has been on a long personal journey, we are still learning about life and we are still learning about wisdom. Life throws at us, lots of ‘curved balls’, obstacles, challenges as well as good helpings of happiness and heartache along the way. The ‘getting of wisdom’ is not a simple or easy thing. As French author, Marcel Proust, wrote:

“We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.”
Like the chrysalis that must fight its way out of its cocoon, to be transformed into a beautiful butterfly, it seems too, that we humans must fight our own way out of the cocoon of protection that our family provides for us as children. Either speeding the process up or down is not necessarily a good thing. Nor will the outcome be better for our children if we ‘hover and intervene’ on their behalf for too long. Like the caterpillar that shrivels and dies, if it is pulled out of its cocoon without doing the battle itself, so too will our children lack the resilience and the independence to prosper along the journey of life, if we act too hastily to intervene by trying to protect our children from life’s lessons. Where is the wisdom learnt?

“There is such a thing as communication time of travel” (Buzz Aldrin)

What would the world be like if President John F. Kennedy had lived? What would a person’s life be like if they had not lived through a personal tragedy? These imponderable questions are the theme of Stephen King’s book, “11.22.63”. The plot centres on the possibilities of travelling back in time – to change the course of history to see what different outcomes may have resulted by an intervention by a person to prevent President Kennedy from being assassinated or to prevent a family tragedy.

Would the world be a better place? Would a person be happier for not having to live through a personal tragedy? Would they be a better person or a more successful person? Philosophically we can only speculate. We can’t say with any certainty whether the outcome would be better or worse and like the old Chinese proverb says, “Maybe so, Maybe not.”

There’s an underlying truth in the Greek philosopher Heraclitus’ observation from c.500BC, that:

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.”

There it is. Even if we were to change the course of our own personal history (yes, we all have a few regrets and things that we wish we could change), there are no guarantees that the outcome would be better, or we would be happier or that life somehow would become magically more perfect. Perhaps this is why so many philosophers and poets write about the journey of life. Isn’t it really a question about how we view life’s journey and what our attitude is to what happens to us along the way that is more important than any ultimate destination?

Some adversity makes us stronger than we could ever imagine we could be. Some challenges make us more resilient and better able to cope with the ‘small speed bumps’ in life. Some tragedies can transform us into a better person than we might have been otherwise. Overcoming these challenges can motivate and inspire us to become the best we can be.

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”

(Don Williams Jr., American novelist and poet)

Life’s journey is never straightforward is it? Isn’t it in the twists and turns though that true wisdom is learned?

Karon Graham