As adults we look back on our teenage years with mixed emotions - some fond memories, some humour, some angst, some discomfort of what we did or said or how we dressed, (Looking at old photos that captured the latest fashion fad or hairstyle twenty years ago, can be a source of great amusement to our children.) Some of us actually only remember happy childhood memories by blotting out our more painful memories and experiences of our youth and the trials and tribulations of growing up. It’s fair to say that teenage years can be the most trying years of our lives – not just for adolescents but for parents too. One very droll person wrote:
“Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.”
Teenage years are about hormones kicking in, growing independence and autonomy, trying on different personalities and testing boundaries to the ‘nth’ degree. Teenagers question everything – every rule at home or at school. Hard to believe that your obedient and happy child at 12 years of age turns from a compliant, caring and understanding person into something very different. So different that it can seem like you’re living with an alien from ‘Star Wars’ for a while – very tensing – no-one speaks the same language and it seems like there is a ‘battle a day’. A parent asked me recently to write a little about this stage of adolescent behaviour and what they could do as a parent.
When I googled ‘advice to parents about teenagers’ I was surprised to see over 34 million sites listed. Not all of them good sites mind you, but there was some comfort in knowing that so much information about parenting and teenagers was on line. One site that I thought might be useful to parents is: http://www.byparents-forparents.com/
Having survived the perils of parenting teenagers and having had some contact with teenagers over the last 35 years in secondary schools, I thought I would share some useful things that I’ve learned along the way.
My top ten tips are:
• Listen attentively and be reflective. Listen attentively to what your teenager has to say (even if it’s monosyllabic). Be reflective in your responses so that they understand that you’re listening – it’s often helpful to use some of the same language in your response. Avoid giving advice and immediate solutions. Lead them in a way that allows them to suggest solutions of their own.
• Don’t lecture or yell. The best advice I can give, is to give no advice. Teenagers turn off listening very quickly, and so to go over an issue time and again, is a sure way to have your teenager ignore you. Keep it short and simple and be very clear on what you expect to happen. It’s amazing how someone else can say exactly the same thing as you the parent, but your teenager listens and seems to appreciate the other person’s point of view more than yours. (Don’t get upset about this - this too will pass in time.) Never, ever yell; there’s nowhere to go from this loss of self control and do not say anything that you might later regret. Find a quiet place for you (and your teenager, if necessary) to cool off and calm down before talking again.
• Set boundaries. Your teenager may make out that everyone else is doing something and you’re the only parent (in the class, the school or the whole world), who is not letting them go out or go to a particular social or whatever it is. Don’t be fooled by this ‘timeless ploy’ of your son or daughter. Talk to other parents. Teenagers don’t like it when parents talk to other parents to find out who’s at home or supervising the party. Ask the other parent, if it’s okay for your son or daughter to sleep over or go out with their teenager. Just because you want a positive relationship, doesn't mean your teenager is in charge. Parents, you have to take control here. Your teenager should agree to a time to be home. If they don’t arrive on time, they should be grounded or have some other consequence.
• Say ‘no’ and mean it. As one comic said: “No,” is a complete sentence. Don’t’ cave in to constant nagging or emotional blackmail. It’s tough not to give in to your child, but it’s worth it in the long run, your children will respect you. As Randy Pausch said in The Last Lecture: "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
• Give your teenager responsibilities and let them take ownership. It’s important that everyone has a job to do at home and as your teenager grows older, giving them more responsibilities, like cooking the family meal, is a good way to help them become a ‘master chef’ in their own right. Praise your child – but don’t overdo it! Praise for real achievements and hard effort. Make it genuine and keep it simple.
• Teach your teenager to persevere. If things come too easily to teenagers, they don’t treat it with respect and they don’t value it. Some parents can be overprotective to the detriment of the child’s social-emotional growth. Don’t fight your teenager’s battles. Teenagers need to experience the ‘ups and downs’ of life, the setbacks and the wonderful sense of accomplishment when they succeed all by themself. Bill Gates once gave a lecture to graduating students and this memorable quote: “Life is not fair -- get used to it!”
• Reward after the good deed – not before. Make sure you are not rewarding your teenager for something you would normally expect them to do. Setting some goals and rewarding the achievement of these goals is good positive reinforcement. It’s an important lesson in life to teach your teenager to set goals and have a plan of action to achieve what they want in life. Doing without something is character building, don’t think your child is disadvantaged if they don’t have the latest gadget, mobile phone or clothing.
• Always treat your teenager with respect. If your teenager is in trouble, no matter how bad the situation, always treat them with respect. Ensure that they know that you’re upset with their behaviour and what they have done. Let them know how you feel and give them a specific example so they understand completely. Keep in mind that each of your children is very different and will react differently to you, so don’t assume that what worked with one teenager will work for another. Sorry, but it rarely happens this way.
• Demand and expect respect from your teenager. The attitude of teenagers at times can try the patience of a saint, let alone us mere mortal parents. Teenagers need to be told when they are out of line; don’t shy away from expressing your disappointment or expressing your expectations. Life in the real world is a lot tougher, if they don’t respect you, they will not respect anyone. Reinforce politeness and good manners at home, expect it always.
• No one is perfect – teach your teenager to learn from their mistakes. You may wonder if your teenager will ever ‘get it’. Some teenagers take longer than others to ‘do the right thing’. Some teenagers are a dream, but most parents experience serious emotional pain during the teenage years and doubt their own parenting skills, but in spite of this self-doubt, never give up or give in. I know this from first- hand experience. Bill Gates made this point very clear to his teenage audience:
“If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.”
If it’s any consolation parents, keep in mind Mark Twain’s famous quote:
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” ~Mark Twain, "Old Times on the Mississippi" Atlantic Monthly, 1874
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