Teenage Drinking: Perils, Parents, & Peers

Parties are meant to be fun and most people would agree with this sentiment in principle but unfortunately the reality of a party can be very different. Why? Not all parties are fun. Yes, some parties are but there are other parties where the main purpose seems to be to drink and drink to excess; or to binge drink. Teenage parties are becoming increasingly perilous. So what’s gone so terribly wrong?


Today’s young people are exposed to tremendous peer pressure to ‘fit in’ with everyone else and there is no greater peer pressure than at a teenage party. The party scene is a major player in the culture of teenage drinking and creates an atmosphere where young people can be introduced to alcohol at an early age.

Make no mistake though, alcohol is a drug. It’s not a safe option to drugs; it is in itself, a drug and as such has many high risks associated with its consumption, particularly to excess and particularly by teenagers who are underage. Alcohol is a depressant and while in the first instance, there may be a high associated with initial drinking, the more alcohol that is consumed the more that a person’s moods, cognitive reasoning, judgement and spatial awareness is adversely affected.

The new data, from The 22nd annual Partnership Attitude Tracking Study (PATS), underscore alarming patterns in early adolescent alcohol use and found that teens view drinking alcohol – even heavy drinking – as less risky than using other substances. The PATS study also highlights that as underage drinking becomes more normalized among adolescents, parents feel unable to respond to the negative shifts in teen drug and alcohol use.

Underage drinking in Australia is someone drinking alcohol who is under eighteen years of age and binge drinking, which is having four or more drinks for women and five or more for men in a relatively short period of time, is harmful in the short term and may have more serious long term effects such as alcoholism and adverse effects on the brain and reasoning capacity.

Parents mistakenly believe that by allowing their teenagers to drink alcohol they will prevent them from experimenting with other drugs, which parents perceive as being more harmful. This perhaps is one of the biggest misconceptions that parents have in regards to drinking alcohol.

Because of these myths, many parents play a large role in contributing to our teen drinking culture by either supplying alcohol to their own teenagers to take to parties or hosting parties for underage teens and allow them to BYO alcohol. Even if a parent has made it very clear that there is to be no alcohol at the party, many teenagers find very inventive ways of bringing alcohol anyway.

“A talk about alcohol is very important, but when you send your teenager off to a party with alcohol it is important to know that common sense and trust will stay at home and the risk of alcohol related harm follows right behind them.”

(From: KEEPemSAFE – Keeping our young people safe from alcohol related harm)

Research reported in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol, (May 2011), showed that allowing teenagers to drink alcohol under adult supervision does not appear to teach responsible drinking as teens get older. In fact, such a ‘harm minimisation’, approach may actually lead to more drinking and alcohol related consequences, according to the study. Another study of 500 12-15 year olds, found that the amount of alcohol kept in the home, rather than the amount of alcohol parents themselves drank was a factor of how much teens drink. The researchers suggest that parents should try to keep alcohol where it is inaccessible to teens.

Did you know that alcohol related accidents are a leading cause of teen deaths? Teen drowning, suicides and murders also have been linked to alcohol use. The other risks include drink driving, unsafe sex, impaired brain development and possible injuries from alcohol fuelled arguments or fights.

The latest research highlights a number of issues surrounding the ‘teenage drinking culture’ of young people, for example an extensive study by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation found that there is a great risk of harm associated with the acute effects of alcohol intoxication. Yet parental intervention and present measures of education of the potential harm do little to stall drinking alcohol in young people to an age that is both legally and developmentally appropriate.

Experimentation of alcohol consumption causes young people to be ‘normed’ by the teenage group. If your son or daughter mixes with young people who drink to intoxication and drink regularly, there is a very strong likelihood that your son and daughter will follow suit. It’s so important for parents to find out all of the details of the ‘party’ and I mean all of the fine details like:

• Is the party supervised and are there parents present the whole time?

• Is there an adult or security person to stop gatecrashers arriving?

• Is there alcohol available?

One other recent study reported in Science Daily, which surveyed nearly 5000 parents and adolescents between ages of 12 and 19 about drinking habits, reveals that in many cases, parents don’t influence whether their teen tries alcohol. The good news is though that parenting styles influence the extent to which young people drink.

The teens least likely to drink to excess had parents who scored high on both accountability and warmth. So called ‘indulgent’ parents, those low on accountability and high on warmth nearly tripled the risk of their teen participating in heavy drinking. ‘Strict’ parents high on accountability and low on warmth, more than doubled their teen’s risk of heavy drinking.

The ‘takeaway’ for parents is this, according to the researchers:

“Realise you need to have both accountability and support in your relationship with your teenager,” Hoffmann said. “Make sure that it’s not just about controlling their behaviour – you need to combine knowing how they spend their time away from home with a warm, loving relationship.”

It’s clear that the research on teenage drinking highlights as many problems as it resolves. Parents who continue to have high accountability for their teenagers and have a warm loving home environment are providing important boundaries for their sons or daughters. Protective factors include a strong partnership with the School. The Student Code of Behaviour states the following in both the Student’s School Diary and the Parent Handbook - verbatim quote:

5. Students will behave in a manner which enhances their reputation and the good reputation of the School. Disrespect to staff, causing harm to others, interference with the property of others, bringing the School into disrepute, or involvement with drugs (including cigarettes and alcohol) are regarded as serious behavioural issues which may result in a student being excluded from the School.

Acceptance and support of the School’s expectations that students at the School do not consume alcohol will provide further protective factors for your son and daughter. Also the School will also ensure through our Life Skills Program and curriculum that we will educate young people about the risks and potential harm of drinking alcohol at any age, but particularly underage. This partnership of shared values between the School and families will give our children the very best start and understanding of inherent dangers of drinking to excess and ultimately lead to more responsible attitudes and beliefs as they mature into adults. I finish with this quote from one of the researchers, Barbara McMorris, Ph.D:

“Both studies show that parents matter,” McMorris concludes “Despite the fact that peers and friends become an important influence as adolescents get older, parents still have a big impact."

Karon Graham

Best Advice Ever Given

“Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf.”

(Old Native American proverb)

What’s the best advice you have ever received? The best advice given to me was: ‘don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.’ Ask any parent, though, this is a tough bit of advice to follow. It seems at times that your own child will listen to anyone and everyone but you – everyone from their ‘this week’s best friend’, other parents, the coach, even the next door neighbour – before considering any vestige of advice given out by mum and dad. “Why is this so?” I hear you ask. Seriously, I don’t have an answer to this eternal question, it’s one of life’s little imponderables.

When is a good time to give advice and when is it best to say nothing at all? This is a tricky question and not easily answered. Let’s just say that life’s experiences allow us to learn along the way and sometimes we really need to be guided by our own intuition or our gut instincts. When in doubt, listen to what is being said and be reflective of what is being said, but avoid offering advice first up or sharing your own personal experience before the other person has fully explained how they are truly feeling.

A few years ago I took part in an excellent course, at the Centre for Creative Leadership in Colorado, USA. Much of the course was about developing leadership skills in executives- highly ranked officers in the armed forces, business executives and people from all walks of life. Part of the process involved getting feedback from the people on the course as well as the people delivering the course. I remember at one point we broke into groups and I was with two people, one of whom recounted being in the Trade Centre when the planes struck the buildings on September 11, 2001. It was very unnerving to listen to his account of what happened to him and I could see that he was still, almost ten years later, very emotional about his ordeal.

As we made our way back to the main room, I happened to be walking with another group and struck up a conversation with one of the men and commented on what had been shared. I made the point (thinking that I was being empathetic to the other person), to avoid bringing up September 11 with this person, which I thought was good advice at that time. He just nodded, didn’t comment and so I put the whole conversation to the back of my mind and we went onto the next session.

In the feedback session for the week long program, there was an opportunity to share observations with the other participants. Yes, some of it was ‘warm and positive’ but other comments made were more pointed and meant to be instructive of how you were perceived by the others in the group. To my utter consternation, the one man who I had spoken to and suggested not discussing September 11, told me that he too had been involved in the events of that day, but he was at the Pentagon when the plane crashed into the building there. I had wrongly assumed that he was removed from the event and my assumption had caused him some grief, in giving advice to someone who clearly did not need it.

Unfortunately it is our own assumptions and our own experiences that lead us to offer advice, whether we think people want it or not. The secret of course is to ask, “Do you want some advice?” Maybe they do, but maybe they don’t and we should respect and accept that decision. As Stephen Covey suggests, it’s better to:

“Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.”

Now I am not usually a fan of celebrity advice and take it with a grain of salt, but recently I read some extracts from speeches given to graduating students and thought that there were some real gems amongst their comments and advice to the students. Since these views were sought out by celebrity speakers to share their experiences and lesson learned, I share them with you and hope that you appreciate them too (and don’t mind too much that you didn’t ask for this advice).

The queen of television, Oprah Winfrey had this to say:

“The three lessons that have had the greatest impact on my life have to do with feelings, with failure and with finding happiness.” She says that you should trust your instincts. “If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. That’s the lesson and that lesson alone will save you, my friends, a lot of grief. Even doubt means don’t.”

JK Rowling told students in 2008 that she was the biggest failure she knew before writing the international bestseller books about Harry Potter. She went on to talk about the benefits of failure.

“Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

Apple cofounder, Steve Jobs gave an inspiring address at Stanford in 2005, revealing how his diagnosis of cancer changed him.

“No one wants to die…. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it…And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new… Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”

Actor, Denzell Washington revealed that he never understood the concept, of having something to fall back on.

“If I’m going to fall, I don’t want to fall back on anything, except my faith. I want to fall… forward. At least I figure that way I’ll see what I’m about to hit. Fall forward. Thomas Edison conducted 1,000 failed experiments. Did you know that? I didn’t either because number 1,001 was the light bulb. Fall forward. Every failed experiment is one step closer to success. “

Comedian and talk show host, Ellen Degeneres shared this:

“For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give in to peer pressure… To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way….Follow your passion, stay true to yourself…”

Lastly, comedian and political commentator, Stephen Colbert, in a more serious moment of reflection, offered this:

“In my experience, you will truly serve only what you love, because as the prophet says, service is love made visible. If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. Instead try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.”

We can learn much from the experiences of others, but until we experience what they have experienced it is highly doubtful that we will learn or empathise with the same depth of understanding and meaning. Nonetheless we can glean much from others’ experiences and learn from them, be inspired by them and create our own pathway as we travel through life.

Karon Graham

Labels Stick to People Too.

“As she grew older, Maddy discovered that she had disappointed almost everyone. An awkward girl with a sullen mouth, a curtain of hair, and a tendency to slouch, she had neither Mae's sweet nature nor sweet face. Her eyes were rather beautiful, but few people ever noticed this, and it was widely believed Maddy was ugly, a troublemaker, too clever for her own good, too stubborn - or too slack - to change.

(Joanne Harris, “Runemarks”)

We seem to love labels don’t we? It’s as though the whole world falls into categories – countries can be described as first, second or third world. All manner of objects like clothing, shoes, cars, sunglasses and endless numbers of other items that all fall into categories of some sort or another that we label and lust after, or irreverently dismiss out of hand. We have our ‘favourites’ and our ‘not so favourites’.

We often mentally assign some ‘meritorious’ range to each category – elite, prestigious, ordinary, inferior or substandard. No one is suggesting that labelling and categorising is not useful, in fact in many cases it can be very helpful. However, labelling things in this way can often influence what we believe we see.

What happens when we label people though? Does this affect how we perceive people, or make judgments about people, do we treat them differently – favouring one and not another? According to researchers and psychologists who have conducted many tests on how we label people, there is considerable weight of evidence to suggest that, yes, we do treat them differently and have different expectations.

University professor, Adam Alter cites a number of cases where this happens. According to researchers, the words we use to describe what we see aren’t idle placeholders - they actually determine what we see. Labels can change how we perceive more complex matters.

Psychologist Boroditsk, asked English and Russian speakers to distinguish between two very similar but different shades of blue. In English we have one single word for the colour blue, but Russians divide the spectrum of blue into lighter blues (“goluboy”) and darker blues (“siniy”) When questioned, the Russian students, who have two words to choose from, were much quicker to distinguish between differing shades of blue than the English speakers.

John Darley and Paget Gross, (“A hypothesis-confirming bias in labelling effects”) showed similar effects when they varied whether a young girl, Hannah, seemed poor or wealthy. The respondents in this exercise rated Hannah’s answers to certain questions; some difficult questions she answered correctly, while answering some simple questions incorrectly. Those respondents who were told that Hannah was from a wealthy background, assessed her to be of Year 5 standard, while those respondents who were told she was from a poor background, assessed her to be at a Year 4 standard.

Professor Alter believes that the long term consequences of labelling a child like Hannah “smart” or “slow” are profound. He shares the experiment, (“Pygmalion in the classroom”, 1992) conducted by Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson, where the teachers at an elementary school are told that some of the students have performed in the top 20% of a test designed to identify ‘academic bloomers’. The teachers were told that these students would enter into an intensive intellectual development phase over the coming year, when in reality, these students had not performed significantly better than other students in the class and were not ‘bloomers’.

One year later, when the researchers returned, they found to their astonishment that in fact the ‘bloomers’ now outperformed their peers by 10-15 IQ points. The teachers over the year had in fact cultivated the intellectual ability of the ‘bloomers’ and in so doing had brought about a ‘self-fulfilling’ prophecy for that group of students.

It’s in our DNA to use labels that allow us to simplify the world and help us process countless pieces of information that go through our lives every day. The danger might be though, that in using labels such as “white”, “rich”, “poor”, “smart”, “slow” or “pretty,” they may in fact seem whiter, richer, poorer, smarter, slower or prettier simply because we’ve labelled them so. Eckhart Tolle, suggests another potential problem where we objectify a person by placing a label on them:

“The moment you put a mental label on another human being, you can never truly relate to that person.”

Labelling people such as ‘mentally disabled’, ‘struggling’, ‘dyslexic’, ‘ADHD’, ‘autistic’, or ‘OCD’ is very commonplace these days. John Hattie, author of “Visible Learning” and “Visible Learning for Teachers”, argues that we should “know the kids and forget the labels”. His point is that, while these conditions are real, some people label students, as if they are saying, “We can’t teach them” or, “They can’t learn”. In fact the lesson for parents and teachers is to have high expectations for all children regardless of the labels and to constantly seek evidence to check and enhance these expectations. The aim of this School is to help all students to exceed their potential.

Hattie’s research demonstrated that students met teacher expectations, whether high or low. According to Hattie, teachers need to stop overemphasising ability, and start emphasising increased effort and progress. “Be prepared to be surprised” needs to be the mantra to use to avoid negative expectations. It’s so important to ensure that all students achieve to the very best of their ability and to set themselves high expectations too.

Hattie claims that the problem for some students is that they “are doing just enough’, or what he calls the “minimax’ principle – that is, the maximum grade return for minimal extra effort. Our role as parents and teachers is to find out what students can do, and make them exceed their potential and needs. Our role is to create new horizons of success and help students attain them.

Even within families, notes Jeffrey Kluger, author of “Playing Favorites” adapted from his book: “The Sibling Effect”, parents usually favour one child over another and may use harsh or flattering words that in effect give one child the impression that they are being labelled – be it ‘silly’, ‘lazy’, ‘funny’, ‘careless’ or ‘clever’. This can have an extremely detrimental effect both in the short term and long term. Favoured children can gain over confidence, even arrogance and a misguided sense of entitlement, while less favoured children can have a higher risk of suffering from anxiety, low self-esteem or depression later in life. Kluger makes the point, that while we may in fact favour one child over another we can address this. He suggests that even if your children know you have a favourite, the effort it takes to pretend it’s not so, can itself be an act of love. Food for thought and as Emily Lazar says;

“Don't get caught up in labelling people. Each of us is so much more than one word can describe.”

As parents and teachers we have to be very careful not to assign labels to our children and focus more on expectations and the hopes, dreams and aspirations of our daughters and sons for the future.

Karon Graham

Transform your Thinking

If we are ever to enjoy life, now is the time - not tomorrow,
Nor next year, nor in some future life after we have died.
The best preparation for a better life next year is a full, complete,
harmonious, joyous life this year.
Our beliefs in a rich future life are of little importance unless we
coin them into a rich present life.
Today should always be our most wonderful day!


(Thomas Dreier)

Many of us can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which our lives changed significantly. There are moments when our lives are transformed, because we realise that we are the ones in control of our destiny and that the only thing stopping us from achieving what it is that we wish to achieve, is our own thinking.

I recently read John Hunt’s, “The Art of the Idea (and how it can change your life)” and it made me stop and think about how easy it is to fall into habits that are, to put it bluntly, a little lazy. No I don’t think I am a lazy person, but Hunt’s book made me realise that ‘a new idea’ can quickly get swept under the carpet because it either goes against the grain, or is too far-fetched, or is too controversial or just plain implausible.

Hunt had some sage and quirky suggestions to change your way of thinking and how to embrace a new idea without being threatened or challenged by the concept. With such gems as: “lemmings have plans too”, “expediency is not an idea”, “we don’t know what we don’t know until we do what we don’t usually do” and my favourite: “no one orders a bouquet of beige flowers”.

Yes all very interesting, but what is the real application to our thinking? Hunt argues that it’s very difficult to get a fresh idea if we are addicted to routine. Some, dare I say, many people prefer ‘consistency and continuity’. Let’s face it, there’s a certain amount of comfort in this routine. We can wear habit a little like a badge of honour. The problem is that the acceptance of a new idea withers on the vine because of our inability to let go of the old.

Hunt’s point is that it’s far too easy to say, “If it’s still working, why change it?” It’s as if the speed of momentum all around them, he says, is happily offset by their total lack of movement. People don’t realise that changing only when you have to usually means that it’s too late already and that if you don’t anticipate the future, you will be run over by it. So like lemmings scurrying to the cliff’s edge, they follow one another, falling into the sea, mindlessly chanting, “Why fix it, if it ain’t broke?”

Expediency is another trap of thinking. Hunt claims that expediency is extremely corrosive to ideas and that it simply allows one ‘to marinate in the mediocre’. He rightly points out that if you’re in the middle of the road, you will eventually be run over both ways. Not a pleasant thought. New ideas need sustenance and need to take on a life of their own and yes, sometimes this involves taking some risks.

If you’re serious about creating new ideas and following them through, then sometimes you need to change the way you think and where you think. Change the physical space you’re in and your brain follows suit. As Hunt points out, if you give people a distant horizon, their ideas are less short term. And if you’re physically on top of the world, it’s more difficult to think small, mean thoughts. Sometimes the transformation of thinking and perspective results from seeing a different horizon, or being in a different environment.

The antidote is simple and no you don’t have to trek the Himalayas to achieve a new way of thinking, it could be as easy as going for a walk in the rain or the sunshine, along the beach or through a park. Focus on specifics as you walk – your shadow, or the movement of sand grains, or the leaves or the waves depending on where you walk. You may return to the same space after your walk, but you will be different and yes, you will think differently too. Transformation of our own thinking might be easier than we think. Sometimes it is the mere recognition that we need to think differently, that is the catalyst for our own personal transformation.

Life is not something to be endured, but something to be embraced every single day. Life is a gift which should be cherished. Take nothing in life for granted and believe that anything is possible. B.J. Morbitzer, poet extraordinaire, captures these sentiments beautifully in “A Time to Believe”.

A Time to Believe


To believe is to know that
Every day is a new beginning.
Is to trust that miracles happen,
And dreams really do come true.


To believe is to see angels
Dancing among the clouds,
To know the wonder of a stardust sky
And the wisdom of the man in the moon.


To believe is to know the value of a nurturing heart,
The innocence of a child's eyes
And beauty of an aging hand,
For it is through their teachings we learn to love.


To believe is to find the strength
And courage that lies within us
When it’s time to pick up
The pieces and begin again.


To believe is to know
We are not alone,
That life is a gift
And this is our time to cherish it.


To believe is to know
That wonderful surprises are just
Waiting to happen,
And all our hopes and dreams are within reach.


If we only believe.

(B.J. Morbitzer)

Karon Graham

Just One

What has been the greatest influence in your life? Who or what has shaped your life in such a way that makes you the person you are today? A tricky question for some; how does one decide on the single greatest influence in your life? Is it a person who meant a great deal to you, or is it technology that has saved your life or keeps you in contact with a loved one, a book perhaps that changed your way of thinking, or a special event that irrevocably altered your perception, or is it a personal experience like the birth of your first child that has changed your life forever?


Each year, Time magazine lists the 100 most influential people in the world. The latest issue for 2012, lists people of diverse backgrounds, unbelievable talents, inspirational leaders, politicians, health care workers, innovators, entertainers, moguls and even celebrity chefs. While many of these people cast a huge net over their sphere of influence, like Christine Lagarde, managing director of the International Monetary Fund, most of us would not actually recognise them or understand the nature of their influence in the world at all.

Another top 100 influential person is Henrik Scharfe, a little known Danish university professor, who has created a doppelgänger. “What’s that?” I hear you ask. A doppelgänger is in the literal sense, a “paranormal double of a human”. Scharfe has created a “double” of himself – a human like robot – Geminold-DK to be precise, also affectionately called Watson, which looks a lot like Scharfe and has a voice, a face and well groomed and dressed body almost identical in every respect to Scharfe. See more of this amazing person at: http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2111975_2111976_2111965,00.html

While I take nothing away from these very influential people, probably like many of you, my choice of person or persons, who have had the greatest influence on my life is a little more prosaic. So who was the greatest influence in my young life? For me it was my father who insisted that I study to Year 12 (instead of leaving at Year 10) and go onto the University of Queensland. The other person who changed my whole direction in life was a Year 11 Economics teacher, Mr Bensley, who helped me believe in myself. Because of relentless bullying throughout my secondary schooling, I doubted my own ability and was afraid to give talks in front of the class and the very thought of giving a speech, even for assessment, turned me into a quivering mess. Many people say that the thought of public speaking is worse than the fear of death and researchers have found that many people universally rank it as one of their worst fears!

Thankfully my teacher had greater confidence in me than I did and to my amazement, after much coaxing and coaching by him, I was able to give a speech – not a particularly good one I might add, but enough to give me some confidence to reconsider my options for the future. Maybe because of my personal experiences and wanting to help other people, I launched into a career where I thought I could make the greatest contribution and the greatest difference to other people’s lives – teaching.

To this day I care passionately about all of the children in our care at School and do all in my power to create a safe, enjoyable and engaging learning environment. I remember very clearly how horrible it was to be the subject of taunts, how terrible it was to face bullying behaviour every day and at the time to doubt my own ability. When my confidence and self esteem was at an all time low, one teacher made me see what I could achieve and what ultimately I could do with my life. He asked me to consider becoming a teacher and because he believed in me, I made one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. So believe me when I say that I want what is best for every student at our School and I want students to believe that they can achieve anything in this world with practice and perseverance.

Another important and influential person in my life, recently shared this thought provoking poem with me and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

Just One


One song can spark a moment
One flower can wake the dream
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.


One smile begins a friendship,

One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.


One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness
One laugh will conquers gloom.


One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.


One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what’s true,
One life can make a difference,
You see it’s up to you!


(Maryam Kazmi)

We can all make a difference in this world if we want. We may each be the one person to influence the life of someone for the better and give them the confidence to become all that they can be in this world. What greater gift can you give another person? Thank you Dad and thank you Mr Bensley.

Karon Graham