As adults we look back on our teenage years with mixed emotions - some fond memories, some humour, some angst, some discomfort of what we did or said or how we dressed, (Looking at old photos that captured the latest fashion fad or hairstyle twenty years ago, can be a source of great amusement to our children.) Some of us actually only remember happy childhood memories by blotting out our more painful memories and experiences of our youth and the trials and tribulations of growing up. It’s fair to say that teenage years can be the most trying years of our lives – not just for adolescents but for parents too. One very droll person wrote:
“Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.”
Teenage years are about hormones kicking in, growing independence and autonomy, trying on different personalities and testing boundaries to the ‘nth’ degree. Teenagers question everything – every rule at home or at school. Hard to believe that your obedient and happy child at 12 years of age turns from a compliant, caring and understanding person into something very different. So different that it can seem like you’re living with an alien from ‘Star Wars’ for a while – very tensing – no-one speaks the same language and it seems like there is a ‘battle a day’. A parent asked me recently to write a little about this stage of adolescent behaviour and what they could do as a parent.
When I googled ‘advice to parents about teenagers’ I was surprised to see over 34 million sites listed. Not all of them good sites mind you, but there was some comfort in knowing that so much information about parenting and teenagers was on line. One site that I thought might be useful to parents is: http://www.byparents-forparents.com/
Having survived the perils of parenting teenagers and having had some contact with teenagers over the last 35 years in secondary schools, I thought I would share some useful things that I’ve learned along the way.
My top ten tips are:
• Listen attentively and be reflective. Listen attentively to what your teenager has to say (even if it’s monosyllabic). Be reflective in your responses so that they understand that you’re listening – it’s often helpful to use some of the same language in your response. Avoid giving advice and immediate solutions. Lead them in a way that allows them to suggest solutions of their own.
• Don’t lecture or yell. The best advice I can give, is to give no advice. Teenagers turn off listening very quickly, and so to go over an issue time and again, is a sure way to have your teenager ignore you. Keep it short and simple and be very clear on what you expect to happen. It’s amazing how someone else can say exactly the same thing as you the parent, but your teenager listens and seems to appreciate the other person’s point of view more than yours. (Don’t get upset about this - this too will pass in time.) Never, ever yell; there’s nowhere to go from this loss of self control and do not say anything that you might later regret. Find a quiet place for you (and your teenager, if necessary) to cool off and calm down before talking again.
• Set boundaries. Your teenager may make out that everyone else is doing something and you’re the only parent (in the class, the school or the whole world), who is not letting them go out or go to a particular social or whatever it is. Don’t be fooled by this ‘timeless ploy’ of your son or daughter. Talk to other parents. Teenagers don’t like it when parents talk to other parents to find out who’s at home or supervising the party. Ask the other parent, if it’s okay for your son or daughter to sleep over or go out with their teenager. Just because you want a positive relationship, doesn't mean your teenager is in charge. Parents, you have to take control here. Your teenager should agree to a time to be home. If they don’t arrive on time, they should be grounded or have some other consequence.
• Say ‘no’ and mean it. As one comic said: “No,” is a complete sentence. Don’t’ cave in to constant nagging or emotional blackmail. It’s tough not to give in to your child, but it’s worth it in the long run, your children will respect you. As Randy Pausch said in The Last Lecture: "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
• Give your teenager responsibilities and let them take ownership. It’s important that everyone has a job to do at home and as your teenager grows older, giving them more responsibilities, like cooking the family meal, is a good way to help them become a ‘master chef’ in their own right. Praise your child – but don’t overdo it! Praise for real achievements and hard effort. Make it genuine and keep it simple.
• Teach your teenager to persevere. If things come too easily to teenagers, they don’t treat it with respect and they don’t value it. Some parents can be overprotective to the detriment of the child’s social-emotional growth. Don’t fight your teenager’s battles. Teenagers need to experience the ‘ups and downs’ of life, the setbacks and the wonderful sense of accomplishment when they succeed all by themself. Bill Gates once gave a lecture to graduating students and this memorable quote: “Life is not fair -- get used to it!”
• Reward after the good deed – not before. Make sure you are not rewarding your teenager for something you would normally expect them to do. Setting some goals and rewarding the achievement of these goals is good positive reinforcement. It’s an important lesson in life to teach your teenager to set goals and have a plan of action to achieve what they want in life. Doing without something is character building, don’t think your child is disadvantaged if they don’t have the latest gadget, mobile phone or clothing.
• Always treat your teenager with respect. If your teenager is in trouble, no matter how bad the situation, always treat them with respect. Ensure that they know that you’re upset with their behaviour and what they have done. Let them know how you feel and give them a specific example so they understand completely. Keep in mind that each of your children is very different and will react differently to you, so don’t assume that what worked with one teenager will work for another. Sorry, but it rarely happens this way.
• Demand and expect respect from your teenager. The attitude of teenagers at times can try the patience of a saint, let alone us mere mortal parents. Teenagers need to be told when they are out of line; don’t shy away from expressing your disappointment or expressing your expectations. Life in the real world is a lot tougher, if they don’t respect you, they will not respect anyone. Reinforce politeness and good manners at home, expect it always.
• No one is perfect – teach your teenager to learn from their mistakes. You may wonder if your teenager will ever ‘get it’. Some teenagers take longer than others to ‘do the right thing’. Some teenagers are a dream, but most parents experience serious emotional pain during the teenage years and doubt their own parenting skills, but in spite of this self-doubt, never give up or give in. I know this from first- hand experience. Bill Gates made this point very clear to his teenage audience:
“If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.”
If it’s any consolation parents, keep in mind Mark Twain’s famous quote:
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” ~Mark Twain, "Old Times on the Mississippi" Atlantic Monthly, 1874
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Success means different things to different people
Success comes in many shapes and forms. What is success to one person may be less significant or unimportant to another. One thing is for sure though, position or money does not necessarily measure success. Many would agree that Mother Teresa was an outstanding humanitarian and more successful in her mission than anyone else – but she held neither position nor wealth. She stands as a beacon to our generation of what one person is capable of achieving and how we might best measure success.
Theodore Roosevelt, former President of the USA wrote:
“There are two kinds of success. One is the very rare kind that comes to the person who has the power to do what no one else has the power to do. That is genius. But the average person who wins what we call success is not a genius. She is a person who has merely the ordinary qualities that she shares with others and has developed those ordinary qualities to a higher degree.”
Young people can learn a great deal about success by applying themselves to achievable goals. Small successes can build confidence in their ability to achieve. By putting in extra effort to any task, whether in school, in sport or in a cultural program teaches young ones and older students about the concept of ‘no gain, without pain’. Success for most people is incremental…. It happens in small steps, small gains that over time realise much greater gains. It happens with dedication, committed practice and it happens because of perseverance in the face of adversity.
Noted author Dr Kerry Spackman tells the story in “The Winner’s Bible” of Loretta Harrop who like many young Australians enjoyed sport. Very early she decided that she wanted to be a professional athlete and set about training for triathlons. In order to receive funding she had to go through a process of ‘being measured’ by the Australian Institute of Sport (AIS) to see if she ‘had what it took’ to be a successful triathlon athlete. When the AIS finished its testing of Loretta they returned the verdict, that not only was she not championship material, but she was ‘below average’.
Rather than taking this to heart, Loretta decided that even if the AIS didn’t think she was champion material, she believed that she would be a champion. She had incredible self confidence and self belief that she would be successful. Loretta didn’t get her funding and almost in defiance of the AIS and so called experts, she continued her punishing regime of exercise and running – even after competing and not winning any competitions, she never doubted her ability to succeed. She had plenty of reasons to give up and try something different, but she didn’t. She stuck with it and continued the rigorous and painful training day after day.
This was not the only obstacle that Loretta Harrop faced. Bike racing is a dangerous sport. To toughen up, Loretta use to train with her brother, who was a top triathlete who had great bike control. She would learn more by riding with her brother. Tragedy struck, however; only months before the World Cup, her brother was killed while out training on his bike.
Devastated, Loretta went through a total loss of confidence and for the first time in her life, feared riding her bike. In her own words though, Loretta realised that she “had to face this fear head on.” She realised that she was more afraid of having to live with this stupid fear beating her, than she was in crashing. Facing up to her fear and riding competitively again, Loretta went on to win the gold medal at the World Triathlon Championships and a silver medal at the Athens Olympics. What an outstanding feat and a lesson to us all on determination and courage?
Life is not always a bed of roses and often there are many obstacles to overcome before we experience success. Working through these difficulties is one way that we build up our resilience – our capacity to ‘bounce back after a setback’. If young people don’t learn to overcome these obstacles independently and rely instead on parent or adult intervention, they often miss developing this important life skill. This is true of both school and interpersonal relationships.
Inspirational true life stories like that of Loretta Harrop make us realise what is possible within all of us. Others may doubt our ability or skills, experts may measure our potential and make judgements or guesstimates about our future, but when it’s all said and done, if we have confidence, and unshakeable self-belief and determination to succeed, we will.
Theodore Roosevelt, former President of the USA wrote:
“There are two kinds of success. One is the very rare kind that comes to the person who has the power to do what no one else has the power to do. That is genius. But the average person who wins what we call success is not a genius. She is a person who has merely the ordinary qualities that she shares with others and has developed those ordinary qualities to a higher degree.”
Young people can learn a great deal about success by applying themselves to achievable goals. Small successes can build confidence in their ability to achieve. By putting in extra effort to any task, whether in school, in sport or in a cultural program teaches young ones and older students about the concept of ‘no gain, without pain’. Success for most people is incremental…. It happens in small steps, small gains that over time realise much greater gains. It happens with dedication, committed practice and it happens because of perseverance in the face of adversity.
Noted author Dr Kerry Spackman tells the story in “The Winner’s Bible” of Loretta Harrop who like many young Australians enjoyed sport. Very early she decided that she wanted to be a professional athlete and set about training for triathlons. In order to receive funding she had to go through a process of ‘being measured’ by the Australian Institute of Sport (AIS) to see if she ‘had what it took’ to be a successful triathlon athlete. When the AIS finished its testing of Loretta they returned the verdict, that not only was she not championship material, but she was ‘below average’.
Rather than taking this to heart, Loretta decided that even if the AIS didn’t think she was champion material, she believed that she would be a champion. She had incredible self confidence and self belief that she would be successful. Loretta didn’t get her funding and almost in defiance of the AIS and so called experts, she continued her punishing regime of exercise and running – even after competing and not winning any competitions, she never doubted her ability to succeed. She had plenty of reasons to give up and try something different, but she didn’t. She stuck with it and continued the rigorous and painful training day after day.
This was not the only obstacle that Loretta Harrop faced. Bike racing is a dangerous sport. To toughen up, Loretta use to train with her brother, who was a top triathlete who had great bike control. She would learn more by riding with her brother. Tragedy struck, however; only months before the World Cup, her brother was killed while out training on his bike.
Devastated, Loretta went through a total loss of confidence and for the first time in her life, feared riding her bike. In her own words though, Loretta realised that she “had to face this fear head on.” She realised that she was more afraid of having to live with this stupid fear beating her, than she was in crashing. Facing up to her fear and riding competitively again, Loretta went on to win the gold medal at the World Triathlon Championships and a silver medal at the Athens Olympics. What an outstanding feat and a lesson to us all on determination and courage?
Life is not always a bed of roses and often there are many obstacles to overcome before we experience success. Working through these difficulties is one way that we build up our resilience – our capacity to ‘bounce back after a setback’. If young people don’t learn to overcome these obstacles independently and rely instead on parent or adult intervention, they often miss developing this important life skill. This is true of both school and interpersonal relationships.
Inspirational true life stories like that of Loretta Harrop make us realise what is possible within all of us. Others may doubt our ability or skills, experts may measure our potential and make judgements or guesstimates about our future, but when it’s all said and done, if we have confidence, and unshakeable self-belief and determination to succeed, we will.
Sea of Problems or a 'Pink Bat' of Solutions
Do you sometimes feel as though you’re awash in a sea of problems? They seem to be everywhere we turn and regardless of how much we try, there always seems to be a never ending supply of them. It’s interesting how most of us see only problems while some people have the great ability to look at things differently and see that what appears to be a problem isn’t or to look at something and see a solution. It’s the way we think about what we see that determines whether we see a problem or a solution, whether we see a problem or a new possibility.
John Lennon’s lyrics in “Watching the Wheels” sums this up quite nicely:
Ah, people asking questions, lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there’s no problem, only solutions.
I recently read an extraordinary book “Pink Bat: Turning Problems into Solutions” written by Michael McMillan. I don’t want to spoil your enjoyment of the book so I won’t tell you the story about the pink bat, but I do want to share with you a little of this new way of thinking about perceived problems.
McMillan tells the story about a perceived problem: The amenities were great but the elevators in a new office building were extremely slow and it became a major problem with people getting frustrated, angry and annoyed as they waited for the elevator. The building’s developer hired consultants to assess the problem and ended up with a short list of solutions which were: add a couple more banks of elevators, make the doors open and close faster, stagger business starting and ending times and have visitors come during off-hours. Everyone was so focused on the problem, no one was able to see it as a solution…. Well, almost no one.
So what was the solution to the slow elevators? Simple really: a large crowd still waits outside the elevators, but now the crowd is happy as they gaze up to look at the new video monitors that showed the latest stock market information, checking the weather and reading employee related news. The ‘pink bat’ solution was that the perceived problem became a solution. No one minds waiting for the elevators any more.
Solutions are all around us, we just have to think about things differently. Step back from the perceived problem and apply a different kind of thinking. Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree when the apple fell on his head. Rather than considering this a problem he saw it as a solution – the Universal Law of Gravitation. While most people would see the falling apple as a problem, Newton saw it as a solution.
As McMillan points out:
For every problem, there exists a solution… and at the very least .. an opportunity. But it takes an open mind to see it… and intelligence and imagination to create it….. You can live each day in a world filled with “problems” or rise each morning and embrace a world filled with unseen solutions… eager for you to find them. The decision is yours… both worlds exist. The one you choose is the one you will create.
Karon Graham
Principal CCS
John Lennon’s lyrics in “Watching the Wheels” sums this up quite nicely:
Ah, people asking questions, lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there’s no problem, only solutions.
I recently read an extraordinary book “Pink Bat: Turning Problems into Solutions” written by Michael McMillan. I don’t want to spoil your enjoyment of the book so I won’t tell you the story about the pink bat, but I do want to share with you a little of this new way of thinking about perceived problems.
McMillan tells the story about a perceived problem: The amenities were great but the elevators in a new office building were extremely slow and it became a major problem with people getting frustrated, angry and annoyed as they waited for the elevator. The building’s developer hired consultants to assess the problem and ended up with a short list of solutions which were: add a couple more banks of elevators, make the doors open and close faster, stagger business starting and ending times and have visitors come during off-hours. Everyone was so focused on the problem, no one was able to see it as a solution…. Well, almost no one.
So what was the solution to the slow elevators? Simple really: a large crowd still waits outside the elevators, but now the crowd is happy as they gaze up to look at the new video monitors that showed the latest stock market information, checking the weather and reading employee related news. The ‘pink bat’ solution was that the perceived problem became a solution. No one minds waiting for the elevators any more.
Solutions are all around us, we just have to think about things differently. Step back from the perceived problem and apply a different kind of thinking. Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree when the apple fell on his head. Rather than considering this a problem he saw it as a solution – the Universal Law of Gravitation. While most people would see the falling apple as a problem, Newton saw it as a solution.
As McMillan points out:
For every problem, there exists a solution… and at the very least .. an opportunity. But it takes an open mind to see it… and intelligence and imagination to create it….. You can live each day in a world filled with “problems” or rise each morning and embrace a world filled with unseen solutions… eager for you to find them. The decision is yours… both worlds exist. The one you choose is the one you will create.
Karon Graham
Principal CCS
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
What mothers really want....
Check out this SlideShare Presentation:
What mothers really want....
View more presentations from karongraham.
What Mothers Really Want
My children are now grown up but I still get asked each year what I want for Mother's Day. While I pondered the many possible gifts in my mind - perfume, great book, cd and the like, I started to think about what I would really like .... and I hope all mums who read this agree with some of the sentiments found in the attached powerpoint. I created this for Caloundra City School's Mother's Day Assembly and I would like to acknowledge the beautiful photos from Anne Geddes.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The power of positive self belief
Student achievement in school is as much about self belief and confidence, as it is in academic endeavour and aptitude. Whether it involves preparation for NAPLAN testing or Years 3,5,7 and 9, or Queensland Core Skills Tests for Year 12, or assessment of any kind for each of the Year Levels, students need to believe that they can achieve well and have the confidence in their own ability, that comes from setting ‘learning’ goals rather than ‘performance’ goals. Learning goals requires students to practise and focus on improving their ability rather than setting a goal of achieving an ‘A’ result.
According to Bandura (1999) and other researchers, how people behave and achieve can often be better predicted by the beliefs they hold about their capabilities, what he calls self efficacy beliefs, than by what they are actually capable of accomplishing, because these self-perceptions help determine what individuals do with the knowledge and skills they have.
Researcher and author, Frank Pajaras (2003) has found that judgments of personal efficacy affect what students do by influencing the choices they make, the effort they expend, the persistence and perseverance they exert when obstacles arise, and the thought patterns and emotional reactions they experience.
A strong sense of confidence, for example, may serve students well when writing an essay because it engenders greater interest in and attention to writing, stronger effort, and greater perseverance and resiliency in the face of adversity. Confident students are also likely to feel less apprehensive and have stronger feelings of self-worth about their writing.
Clearly both teachers and parents should pay attention to students’ perceptions, because it is the perceptions that may more accurately predict students’ motivation and future academic outcomes. Working with students to point out their successes and achievements will help boost their confidence. Yes it sounds simple, but it does require ongoing reinforcement by both teachers and parents, of actual accomplishments. ‘Over the top praise’, contrary to some people’s beliefs, does not build self confidence in the student.
Student achievement, as well as their confidence and competence, improves with practice, and also by setting some clear and concise goals as well as by timely feedback on their work. Students respond more confidently to small progressive steps towards an end goal and will achieve at a higher level with this strategy. Difficult and daunting challenges tend to discourage students, de-motivating them and causing them to lose confidence in their own ability. So it’s important to build confidence over time with small successes in order for them to achieve at a higher level.
There is an excellent article on the topic of Supporting Students’ Confidence as Learners with more detailed advice, at the following URL address:
http://books.google.com.au/books?id=gD7_VSNmu7cC&pg=PA55&lpg=PA5&dq=achievement+and+confidence+of+students&source=bl&ots=nUUtMhtxHU&sig=bjOi-4Dpe9-JhT-dWFrdtS5GIZ8&hl=en&ei=64ipS6mhIZDc7AP_qyuBA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6&ved=0CBkQ6AEwBTgK#v=onepage&q=achievement%20and%20confidence%20of%2students&f=false
Remember:
“Our aspirations are our possibilities."
(Samuel Johnson).
According to Bandura (1999) and other researchers, how people behave and achieve can often be better predicted by the beliefs they hold about their capabilities, what he calls self efficacy beliefs, than by what they are actually capable of accomplishing, because these self-perceptions help determine what individuals do with the knowledge and skills they have.
Researcher and author, Frank Pajaras (2003) has found that judgments of personal efficacy affect what students do by influencing the choices they make, the effort they expend, the persistence and perseverance they exert when obstacles arise, and the thought patterns and emotional reactions they experience.
A strong sense of confidence, for example, may serve students well when writing an essay because it engenders greater interest in and attention to writing, stronger effort, and greater perseverance and resiliency in the face of adversity. Confident students are also likely to feel less apprehensive and have stronger feelings of self-worth about their writing.
Clearly both teachers and parents should pay attention to students’ perceptions, because it is the perceptions that may more accurately predict students’ motivation and future academic outcomes. Working with students to point out their successes and achievements will help boost their confidence. Yes it sounds simple, but it does require ongoing reinforcement by both teachers and parents, of actual accomplishments. ‘Over the top praise’, contrary to some people’s beliefs, does not build self confidence in the student.
Student achievement, as well as their confidence and competence, improves with practice, and also by setting some clear and concise goals as well as by timely feedback on their work. Students respond more confidently to small progressive steps towards an end goal and will achieve at a higher level with this strategy. Difficult and daunting challenges tend to discourage students, de-motivating them and causing them to lose confidence in their own ability. So it’s important to build confidence over time with small successes in order for them to achieve at a higher level.
There is an excellent article on the topic of Supporting Students’ Confidence as Learners with more detailed advice, at the following URL address:
http://books.google.com.au/books?id=gD7_VSNmu7cC&pg=PA55&lpg=PA5&dq=achievement+and+confidence+of+students&source=bl&ots=nUUtMhtxHU&sig=bjOi-4Dpe9-JhT-dWFrdtS5GIZ8&hl=en&ei=64ipS6mhIZDc7AP_qyuBA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6&ved=0CBkQ6AEwBTgK#v=onepage&q=achievement%20and%20confidence%20of%2students&f=false
Remember:
“Our aspirations are our possibilities."
(Samuel Johnson).
Thursday, March 18, 2010
There was a time.....
Parenting was never meant to be easy. Effective parenting takes tons of love, understanding, patience, empathy, sympathy, care, concern and firmness. Yes, firmness. Young people need boundaries and they need parents to be specific about what they can and can’t do. As someone who has three grown adult children and with over 30 years teaching young people, I know firsthand how difficult it can be to stay firm on matters of principle, moral standards, discipline and boundaries. It’s not easy and I would be the first person to admit this!
Parents are subjected to relentless pressure to give in to their children’s demands and threats. This pressure comes not only from their own children but also from family friends, other people’s children, mass advertising on television, music video clips on Saturday morning television, movies, radio shock jocks, the internet, social networking like Facebook and msn; the list is endless. The barrage and onslaught can overwhelm even the hardiest of parents.
Don’t get me wrong, I see the positives of some of these media too, but let’s face it, somewhere over recent years, momentum has swung away from the adults and parents at home and moved more towards appealing to and satisfying the needs of youth. It’s not surprising then, that young people can have an overstated opinion of their place in the world, in the scheme of things and even in the home.
Values and standards are by no means sacrosanct, yes they do change over time, but over the last twenty years there has been a worrying trend. Some battle weary parents, or parents who don’t even try to make a stand, take the line of least resistance in dealing with issues of good behaviour, appropriate standards, and boundaries. Some parents find it difficult to simply say ‘no’ to their children – ‘anything for a quiet life’ seems to be the unwritten law of the household.
There was a time:
• When parents were in charge of what happened at home
• When denying a child some material possession or ticket to an event was seen as an opportunity to teach frugality and discrimination;
• When not having or doing what everybody else was having or doing was seen as a good thing;
• When a consequence at school was followed by a consequences at home, and the teacher was always right. (Educators tell us that it is rare when a parent thanks a school administrator for imposing discipline or punishment);
• When a child would not dare to scream and shout at a parent with impunity.
As parents at CCS, you have made a deliberate choice to send your sons and daughters here for nurturing, excellence in learning opportunities and for the values, moral and ethical standards, good manners which we believe will better prepare them for the future.
At CCS we know each child well and work with you the parents to bring about the best possible outcomes for every single student. This means that we have very fair and firm expectations for all students and we do have consequences for those students who do not meet our expectations. We need your support in ensuring that the same values and standards at our school are your expectations at home.
Please contact us if you are concerned about any pressure that your son or daughter might be expressing about ‘what everyone else is doing, and why can’t they do it too.’ We will work with all parents and support you in ensuring that your son and daughter understand fair and reasonable expectations and the right of the parent to make the decision, not the child.
I give you the commitment that we, as a school community, will work with parents to instil values of good character in your son or daughter. Yes, I agree with you, effective parenting is not easy, but I ask all parents to consider the following:
• Who makes the decisions in your household?
• Are you consistent and fair in your expectations of your son or daughter?
• Are you making decisions for the right reasons or are you being worn down by constant arguments and upsets?
• Do you discuss the reasons for your decision?
Noted psychiatrist Jung once said:
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.
(~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939)
Parents are subjected to relentless pressure to give in to their children’s demands and threats. This pressure comes not only from their own children but also from family friends, other people’s children, mass advertising on television, music video clips on Saturday morning television, movies, radio shock jocks, the internet, social networking like Facebook and msn; the list is endless. The barrage and onslaught can overwhelm even the hardiest of parents.
Don’t get me wrong, I see the positives of some of these media too, but let’s face it, somewhere over recent years, momentum has swung away from the adults and parents at home and moved more towards appealing to and satisfying the needs of youth. It’s not surprising then, that young people can have an overstated opinion of their place in the world, in the scheme of things and even in the home.
Values and standards are by no means sacrosanct, yes they do change over time, but over the last twenty years there has been a worrying trend. Some battle weary parents, or parents who don’t even try to make a stand, take the line of least resistance in dealing with issues of good behaviour, appropriate standards, and boundaries. Some parents find it difficult to simply say ‘no’ to their children – ‘anything for a quiet life’ seems to be the unwritten law of the household.
There was a time:
• When parents were in charge of what happened at home
• When denying a child some material possession or ticket to an event was seen as an opportunity to teach frugality and discrimination;
• When not having or doing what everybody else was having or doing was seen as a good thing;
• When a consequence at school was followed by a consequences at home, and the teacher was always right. (Educators tell us that it is rare when a parent thanks a school administrator for imposing discipline or punishment);
• When a child would not dare to scream and shout at a parent with impunity.
As parents at CCS, you have made a deliberate choice to send your sons and daughters here for nurturing, excellence in learning opportunities and for the values, moral and ethical standards, good manners which we believe will better prepare them for the future.
At CCS we know each child well and work with you the parents to bring about the best possible outcomes for every single student. This means that we have very fair and firm expectations for all students and we do have consequences for those students who do not meet our expectations. We need your support in ensuring that the same values and standards at our school are your expectations at home.
Please contact us if you are concerned about any pressure that your son or daughter might be expressing about ‘what everyone else is doing, and why can’t they do it too.’ We will work with all parents and support you in ensuring that your son and daughter understand fair and reasonable expectations and the right of the parent to make the decision, not the child.
I give you the commitment that we, as a school community, will work with parents to instil values of good character in your son or daughter. Yes, I agree with you, effective parenting is not easy, but I ask all parents to consider the following:
• Who makes the decisions in your household?
• Are you consistent and fair in your expectations of your son or daughter?
• Are you making decisions for the right reasons or are you being worn down by constant arguments and upsets?
• Do you discuss the reasons for your decision?
Noted psychiatrist Jung once said:
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.
(~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939)
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